Paula first of all, you are too sweet for suggesting that my writings on this blog could make me money. You are a love and I appreciate that wonderful compliment. It was much needed

Well….here’s the deal. While I am so honored, happy and having fun with the fact that people read my blog, there are notta a whole bunch of ya’ll doing it, about a hundred a day or so. So while I love the fact that Paula thinks the ramblings of my rambly mind are enough to get me PAID I sadly think that Hollywood would not agree.

I am going to add a new website (that I will link) that will be written like a blog which is actually a novel called The Man Pound. I need to finish and get sold it as well. But I think writing it as a blog will be a great exercise and keep me motivated. However, sadly, my struggles at being a full time work at home mommie writer, are just not that interesting to Hollywood. You can’t throw a stone without hitting a struggling actor, musician, writer or director in this town. And it is HARD….tough as nails hard. So my struggle is no harder than any other schmo out there.
I don’t want to say that I have lost hope, I am just really tired today. As most of you have read (since the beginning of this blog…sadly) I have been struggling. While I am blessed that I can write for a living, the writing has been arduous and grossly underpaid. I looked at the WGA website for the amounts that I should have been paid for my work and I burst into tears….I’ve been doing a lot of that lately. Seriously for the level of work that I have been doing over the last two years in which I have written and rewritten 12 SCREENPLAYS, I should have been paid in total for all the scripts AT THE LEAST!!!!!!! $600,000 and at the most, or what is paid most often $1.2 million dollars…..I think I made $27,000 last year and I almost died from the workload.

Again I am under contract with a reputable producer and again he has delayed commencement and payment of work that I was expecting to do next month, leaving me again under financial strain. I am just….well. I just don’t know what to do or believe anymore. I am so fried. I am waiting for calls from now THREE producers on my films and I’ve heard nothing. I’m about to have a nervous breakdown. Not really, I’m surprisingly calm, just sad….sad that this is so hard on ME. I have been working for over 20 years to break into the REAL side of this business. I deserve it. I have worked so damn hard, harder than anyone I know. I have written three spec scripts that are brilliant and have never gotten paid for them. I AM good at what I do….I’m wonderful at it….and yet I continue to struggle, continue to face financial strain and continue to combat fear. I hate it, it’s like my stress can’t take a freakin’ day off. I am so tired of this drama.

And the really sad thing is, if I was related to “someone” or WAS A MAN!!!!!! I would be farther along in this process. I sometimes feel like I have no direction at all. I pray….oh boy do I everyday. In fact I really listen to God I believe with all of my heart in God and in our destiny on this earth. I have always believed that apart from being a mom this has always been my destiny to inspire and tell stories. It is the only thing outside of being a friend and a mother that gives me joy. The idea of working in an office and answering phones feels like a jail sentence to me and I think that I would become a really miserable person.

And yet not achieving my dreams is also making me….well not miserable….just tired. Tired of it all. And sad….mostly really really sad. I have the option to open the day care and become a day care provider and it will be what I HAVE TO DO if I don’t get booked on something by the end of the month. That breaks my heart. While I love children, I have one and I love that she goes to school and enjoys it so much, I am so proud of her that she has her own life and is enjoying it so much, I don’t want to open a day care and care for other people’s kids, I want the life I have, just being paid my worth FINALLY!!!!! I want Aria to continue to enjoy the life she has….also I have been informed by the agency that if I open a daycare, I will not be able to adopt India….while my social worker is going to try her best to ask him (the head of the agency) to make an exception for me…there may be no choice. That means….no new baby

This is all such sad news to me….all of it. The fact that I have tried for over twenty years to succeed at my business, just to potentially end up failing in the end, is sad. I want to be the mother of two children so they are able to laugh and play together and grow up together and in the end I may not be able to provide that. I feel like I am teetering on the edge of becoming a total failure. Like my life is a total bust. And what’s the message I share with my daughter??? Try hard, work hard, be talented, be nice, be a good person, be a loving mom, and end up…..well….a failure!

I just….I don’t want to be that….I don’t, but I’m getting tired. I’m tired of always waiting to exhale…always waiting to have that moment in the sun when I know I am protected, being paid my worth and living up to my life’s potential. I want my CHILDREN, both of them gosh darn it, to grow up knowing that dreams do come true that you can win the game, you just have to play fair, nice and well. But DREAM KIDS, DREAM BIG!

I don’t want to tell them that you can try your whole life for something and fail. I don’t want to tell them not to dream because mommie biffed it in the end.

But I’m getting to a point where I don’t know what else to do….

It feels really sad. My whole life, outside of Aria, my family, friends and my health (thank you God) feels really sad. Ya know I’ve loved men in my life and they have loved me it’s just no one wanted to marry me (at least not the ones I wanted to marry) I wanted to spend my life with someone, I really didn’t want to be alone, but it just sorta worked out that way. I still have a man in my life and at the end of the day I know he will always be there for us, but he’s not here with me, in my home and I don’t have a person in my life to share my life (and let’s face it the expenses) with, nobody is a cushion, if I fall, I FALL and I fall hard, alone!
It seems pretty tough.

I know I’m throwing yet another pity party….but seriously, I am way over this. Over being poor, over working hard for scraps. Please….it’s just wrong. I SHOULD BE PAID MY WORTH!!!!!

So God….I know that I have discussed this with you before and I am not sure where you have been or if you plan on returning from your vacation from me, but if you do….can I put in a few requests….

1) I want the call that brings me crazy money and that big fat long exhale of stale, scared, sad, stressed out breath and brings in happy, protected, honored and valued air into my life. Please God, before I become jaded and bitter, before I accidentally teach my child that life sucks. A thing I somehow wanted her immune to, while I know life will suck I wanted her to feel safe and loved and have HOPE. For gimmnie’s sake God that’s our last name….you wanna throw us a bone here???? Why can’t their be another little Hope in our family…..whose side are you working for anyway????? HUH???

I do thank you for my health and the health of my daughter and family….THANK YOU. I sure hope you have no plans to throw us a curve ball there, cause seriously one more whammy from you and I am outta the game….get it!

Dear God, I have always been your biggest fan. I have a WHOLE BUNCHA people believing in you, when they didn’t before. I appreciate all the signs and things that came true for all of them and I’m sure you’re thrilled to have a few more members of your team and I understand that life is a lesson, but um….when does SUMMER happen? Don’t we ever get out for good behavior?

I’m just asking cause, well, while you may have gotten a few new members thanks to my non-recruiting recruiting….you’re about to lose one, one of your biggest fans in fact.

Cause the point here is….I’ve given up a lot cause I believed in you and trust me, I look at my glorious child and I say a big thank you everyday, I know you hear it! Cause I say it out loud EVERYDAY and I look at our house and our things and I thank you for them everyday. I AM VERY GRATEFUL! I am. Please don’t think you need to teach me a lesson of losing everything, I’ve lost everything so many times in my life….please don’t make me learn that lesson again. PLEASE!

Honestly God…..at this point in my life…..I would love to learn the lesson of REWARD….of just deserts for a job well done. That would be the very best lesson that you could share with me and your other fans. It would be a wonderful lesson, one that shows love and understanding and that compassion your are so fond of. Any other lesson in losing or shifting and changing again, may actually have an opposite effect.

As I said before, I don’t want to lose hope, I don’t…..but I’m well…..I’m almost there. It’s slipping….and really at the end of the day it has been all I’ve ever really clung to was hope, I don’t want it to fade. But I’m tired. I’m hurting and I need you. So if your out there….well, please come by, I don’t have much to offer since my purse was stolen and I don’t have access to the few dollars left in my bank account, but heck….I’ll sit you down to a cup of tea and maybe we can just talk, if you could let me know what the plan is here that would be great….if there is a pot of gold at the end of my rainbow, I would hug you HARD, if there is a dip into the pit of hell…..well I’m gonna ask if you if you don’t mind hugging me hard, and helping me cope cause I just don’t know how to do it….I don’t know how to live life without hope. I HOPE I don’t have to.

Thanks God, hope you’re listening…